New Direction

I've decided to take my blog in a slightly different direction. It started out as a blog for moms and anything mom related, but I'm finding it incredibly difficult to find inspiration. I have no idea what other moms or people in general want or need to read about. So, I have decided to write based on what I want and need and right now. I just need to write.

I've found myself questioning and second guessing myself a lot lately. I have almost completely stopped making decisions for myself anymore because it really isn't about me and what I want anymore. I have the most beautiful little boy a person could ask for, and he loves me unconditionally. Its amazing how someone so small can love and be loved so very much. He deserves the world and its my job to give it to him. My life is crazy. I work with children with developmental disabilities. I'm a full-time grad student. I'm a wife. I'm just about anything and everything I am needed to be, but most of all, I'm a mom. Mom...Such a small, simple word that holds so much meaning. I am meant to be a caregiver, a chauffeur, a cook, a maid, an owie kisser, a jungle gym, and so many other things. At the end of the day, as cliche as it may sound, seeing that little boy's bright blue eyes and big toothy smile, makes up for any hardship life throws at me. Yet, I still question whether or not I am really doing what's best for him. I try, believe me I try my damnedest to make sure I do, but sometimes trying doesn't seem to be enough. Maybe I am trying to make up for him not having very much family around because I feel bad about moving away from them. Or maybe I am trying to make up for the fact that he will never know his grandma or pretty much never see his grandpa. Who knows? I sure don't.

I've been feeling super sentimental lately and a little emotionally unstable. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss my mom. Trying to do all of this relatively on my own (Zach's here, too, of course), has definitely taken its toll. I suck at keeping in touch with people because I get so caught up in my own world that I let my relationships just slip away. I'm still working on a lot of things for myself and to better myself. I want to be a mom my son can be proud of and I will do everything in my power to get there. I just need to remember to stop and enjoy the little moments as they come because I never know when they'll stop coming. I just wish some things in life came with a manual or a "Here let me help you" kind of thing. Some guidance or reassurance that I am moving in the right direction would be nice. Oh, well. Here's to those of us who reach for the stars and once we grab them, we reach some more.